Brother Howard
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This Month's Feature Story To Help Lighten The Load
Indian Girl
Guitar Playing
Come On In!
Comming Attractions
Apollo Project
Wrong Address
Uncle Bill

A couple from Minneapolis, during one particularly icy winter, decided  to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.

Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules. So ... it was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived.
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived
and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for
your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!  Hope your journey is as uneventful
as mine was.

P.S.  Sure is hot down here!
From The Jim Haynes Collection
The Apollo Project

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.  The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.  His son translated for the NASA people:  "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.  When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.  Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief.  The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously.  But he refused to translate.  So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these white eyes. They have come to steal your land".
From The Jim Haynes Collection
Uncle Bill

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bill. Uncle Bill was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane got hit by anti-aircraft fire.  He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.  He shot fifteen of them with the pistol until he ran out of bullets, he killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then he killed the last one with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that terrible story?"

"Stay the heck away from Uncle Bill when he's been drinking."
From The Jim Haynes Collection
More SmilesTo Brighten Your Day

Dividing The Pecans

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.” The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
From The Jim Haynes Collection
Man With Cane
The Wonders Of God

A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.

Along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.

The boy replied with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."

The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy, and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" behind the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."

The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible lying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.

"Wow!" Exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"
How About A Little Song To Brighten Your Spirits A Bit.
Mississippi Squirrel  By:  Ray Stevens
Mississippi Squirrel
{Click here}
The Answer
The Book Has the Answer

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain.  He doesn't know what to do and is seriously contemplating suicide.  He goes to his Pastor to seek his advice.  He tells him about all of his problems in the business and asks him what he should do.  The Pastor ponders for a moment, and then tells the man, "Take a beach chair and a Bible, put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean.  Go to the water's edge.  Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it, take the Bible out, and open it up.  The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page.  Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do.”  The man is a bit hesitant but does as he is told.  He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach.  He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible.  The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page.  He looks down at the Bible and right there he finds his answer telling him what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Pastor.  The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit.  The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk.  The man hands the Pastor a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the Church in gratitude for his wonderful advice.  The Pastor of course is delighted.  He remembers their conversation and asks him what advice in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.  The man replies: “When I opened my eyes and looked down at the bible, there was my answer, Chapter 11."
{From the archives of Jim Haynes}
Open Book
Man On Beach
There was a  man named Vic living in the Silicon Valley who was a battered victim of the tragic and devastating Dot COM Wars back about "01".

Old Vic decided that he had to get out and start over.  So he headed up north to Alaska.  Vic ended up in a little town called Devil's Armpit, about forty miles north east of Skagway in the Yukon Territory.  After settling down a bit, he decided to visit  the local bistro and meet some of the town's gentle folk, witch by the way turned out to be mostly a bunch of dirty scruffy old men.  But Vic was a friendly sort so he tried striking up a conversation with some of them but was met with only silence and cold stares.  Undaunted, he decided to buy a couple of rounds of drinks for the house.  Still, only silence and not even a thank you, just like home Vic thought.  He finally turned to the bartender and said;  “Friend, these folks seem somewhat reluctant to even speak to me, why is that”?  The man looked him in the eye and said, “Well Sport, these men are real life sourdoughs, blood thicker than molasses and enough gravel in their gut to spit a paved highway, they don’t cotton to just anybody.  Beside that, word is, that your from Cal-if-orn-I-a, hear’ed bout you people…  If you want these men’s respect, you, ya got to earn it.”  So old Vic asked him  just how he could do that, again the bartender looked him dead in the eye and told him there were three things he would have to do if he wanted to prove himself to these men; 

He would have to drink a fifth of whiskey straight down out of the bottle, 

He would have to kill a 9-foot Grizzly Bear with a knife,

And lastly, he would have to make love to a full-blooded Eskimo Woman.

Without a word Old Vic, determined to meet the challenges of his new life, reached over and grabbed a full bottle of JD Black Label and chugged it straight down to the last drop, threw the bottle in the appropriate Re-Cycling  container and stormed out the front door.

Long about two and a half hours later the when party was getting hardy, the front door of that saloon burst open, and there stood Vic, clothes ripped to bloody shreds, blood gushing out of long gaping wounds all over his body, and his hair severely messed up.  Resolutely, Vic staggered out  into the center of the room, pulled out his NRA Commemorative Bowie Knife, and yells “OK,  Now where’s that Eskimo Women I’m supposed to Kill”!!!
{From the Jim Haynes Collection}
North To Alaska
Polar Bear

An Arkansas farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm, and knocked at the farmhouse door.  A young boy about 9 opened the door. 

"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked. 
No sir, he ain't," the boy replied.  "He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is yer Mom here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither.  She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard?  Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely.  "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad.  It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.  "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded.  "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
Courtesy  of RG Duffin
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.  Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?”  Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.  I can sit in my Bedroom and watch it all day long.  The TV Evangelists keep me company and make me feel good.  The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Then Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.  She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.  Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted!
{from the Archives Of Jim Haynes}
Grandma's Boyfriend
Grandma's Daughter
Charlie Sleeping
Prize winning Bull
Couple Holding Hands
Smart Guy Noding
Take a Break and Have Some Fun
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied,

"You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees,49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You’ve got to be a Conservative."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You’ve got to be a Liberal Feminist."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.  You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you came expecting me to solve your problem.  Now here you are, you're in exactly the same position you were in before we met three munutes ago, but now, somehow it's all my fault."

Prize winning Bull
The Fisherman
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